In 2012 I experienced a brief yet impactful spiritual awakening. In a moment of deep despair, I experienced a state of being that I can best describe as my fully awake, conscious self. The unchanging part of me that exists as pure awareness, unattached to my small self with its myriad of layers, conditioning and human habits.
This shift in consciousness served as a compass, offering a re-direction back to a path I had glimpsed in my teens. With a new eyes-wide-open view on life, unraveling myself has since been a slow evolution. For today, here is an elaboration on that brief encounter with my beingness that occurred in 2012.
The catalyst for my awakening was a perfectly timed piece of truth, spoken by my husband in the midst of an argument. Whilst I can’t recall the details of our argument (they were rare), I do remember storming off to the bedroom as he called out, “you do this to yourself you know.” Bam!
He was right. This little spoken truth was the beginning of a deep shift within.
As I sat sobbing on the bed, I became acutely aware that a part of me hoped my loud sobbing may draw the attention of my husband. Emotionally overwhelmed, I knew no other way to speak up and tell him I was not okay. As I saw through my inauthentic rouse for his attention, an audible voice rose from within saying “you are enough just as you are”.
It seems this was precisely the soul truth my Self needed to hear in the moment.
As if someone had turned off the water main, my sobbing immediately ceased. Instantly my awareness shifted from the voice to a space that words will forever fail to adequately describe. Complete stillness pervaded everything. It was as if I could see for the first time. Eyes wide open. I was not sad, I was not happy, I just was.
I witnessed myself on the bed, with an awareness that this person with her stories of pain, suffering and longing was not the whole of me. Moments later thoughts seeped into the aware stillness and a familiar movie restarted. I watched as I told myself I had anxiety and depression and it was time to get help from a doctor. I watched on as I drove to my parent’s house to tell them I needed help. Like I was viewing from the sidelines, hearing my voice, yet knowing in absolute the women talking wasn’t the totality of me.
I drove home from my parents in a dream like state. Within me was a knowing that I wouldn’t seek the help of a doctor. I understood the person sobbing on the bed was an illusion of sorts. The knowing felt familiar, I’d sensed this illusion of self at times in childhood.
By the time I got home, my thoughts resumed their usual busy pace and daily life went on. I didn’t seek help for anxiety or depression, yet I held an awareness that at my core I was okay. For some time I didn’t think much more about it. I bumbled through, raising three children, resuming work and attempting to juggle the chaos. I quelled anxiety with routine and rules. I was rigid and my inner critic was relentless.
Underneath the surface, anger and resentment raged.
That was until one day in 2013. I had wrangled a few child-free hours to attend a business building lunch with my manager and colleagues. I remember being unable to hide my feelings of dis-connect. The effort required to attend left me mentally drained and overwhelmed. My manager sensed this and suggested I schedule a week off to recharge. Gratefully in a moment of clarity, I decided to take off a full month off instead. No bookings, no clients, no sales, no income.
I spent the month deep in self-discovery.
I read books and filled journals to identify my values, strengths, gifts and the vision I held for my life. I recognised the misalignment between what I was doing and what I knew in my heart I had been called to do. A 12 month plan was made to leave my current sales business whilst I committed to becoming a qualified Life Coach. It was a starting point for a path of service that had always been in me.
Alongside work and study I became the watcher of my mind. I sat on my couch a few times each day, watching thoughts come in and out of my awareness. I learned to feel my body from the inside and revel in its aliveness. I held on to the gift of a new perspective, I knew that I was not my thoughts and feelings.
The days and years since, have opened me up to a new way of being.
What followed has been a rocking and illuminating path to conscious, intentional living.
I frequently felt alone in my new found perspective.
I lacked the words to bring the experience to life. I still do.
I’ve come through many, many dark nights of the soul.
I’ve learned to be the watcher, no longer believing every thought and feeling that my Self creates.
I’ve taught my Self to go slow. Slow is the only speed at which you can capture those moments, hours, days of unconsciousness.
I accept that in my humanness I will continue to trip up again and again.
I also accept that I am far more expansive than my humanness would have me believe.
Today I hold a lot of love and compassion for my small Self. She comes packaged up with insecurities, childhood wounds, ancestral baggage, personality traits, quirks and a heart of gold. It is my job to unravel her.
Layer by layer.
Belief by belief.
Because many times now, I have come to experience and know what sits at her core.
It’s the very same thing that sits at your core.
And it’s freaking beautiful, bright and infinite.
Which leads me to share why this story matters to you.
Don’t assume all of you is in full view. The majority of your potential is submerged, hidden beneath layers of cultural conditioning. Your mind is not your own. It’s not. Unless you actively wake up to yourself and the beliefs that colour your experience.
We live in a culture that doesn’t support you to know the depth of your being. It fosters disconnection, distrust and so much fear. It is this fear that keeps you driven beyond the ease of the present moment.
I share my story because humanity is on the path of awakening and this awakening will continue to unravel for many, many years.
There is infinite wisdom available at a heart level consciousness that is yours to explore.
You deserve to feel the ease in your being.
The mental stories fed around pushing, striving, barely surviving are an illusion. Lies that keep you from knowing the depths of who you truly are. When you can let go of who culture has taught you to be, the ease in being who you are becomes possible.
Perhaps you’ve already noticed subtle shifts in your awareness. Maybe you’re totally fed up with your current view? Notice the co-incidences. Feel the gentle tug to walk your own path.
Maybe some part of you already does. It’s happening everywhere, in the oddest ways. It has happened just this year to my husband.
The fear of being who you are is overwhelming. The potential of your inner power is frightening.
When you wake up to the illusion of who you have been all your life, the next step is to unravel the layers of all that you are not. Unacknowledged mental and emotional patterns will keep you dancing back and forth. Triumph followed by self-sabotage is the dance. Committing to the practice of becoming aware of your inner patterns, eventually lessens the back and forth.
Awareness opens you up to new choices.
My role at this time is offering meditation spaces that support you as you awaken to a new way of being. Space for your inner unraveling. Deep rest from overwhelm, noise and confusion so that you can cultivate an authentic relationship with your “Self”. My awakening took on a life of its own this year. Getting still to connect is where the magic happens.
If you feel called to learn more about the spaces on offer here, please view the current events page.